Taking Stock Two

May 02, 2019

Hello beautiful people. It has been almost a year since I graced this space. Those that follow me on my social media, know that life had dealt me a heavy hand. As I write this post, it is a little over 6 months since I lost my mother; my confidant, my pillar of strength, my best friend. As some of you can imagine, losing a loved one is a life altering experience on its own. It makes you question a lot about life from purpose to even the belief that there is a higher power in this world; or if some of the things we go through in life are meant to shape us into better beings.

This was not my first loss but it was the hardest as I had known my mother all my life. She was my first experience of unconditional love, of what a woman and womanhood symbolized in society, she was my Wikipedia of life experiences. I could say so much more about her because she was that phenomenal. She was a woman of grace and poise; stature and faith. I just pray that I become more of if not even half the woman she was. On the very same note, thanks to everyone who sent me messages, checking how I was doing, asking if I needed someone to talk to etc. I found strength in your encouraging words. Your words spoke life to my broken soul and they still do even to date.
Photography: TPEG Media
Outfit Details
Dress: Thrifted JHB CBD
Shoes: ZARA Basic
Today's post is a mental and emotional check point of where I am at in life. It is a step in me finding my old self again. I do however hope that you will enjoy it as much as my previous posts. It is going to be a serious journey of rediscovering who I am and what I am made off, please be patient with me. So, now onto the post. I guess my interests, likes or obsessions are still the same if not better. At least there is still some consistencies in some parts of my life;. In case you want to read the first Taking Stock Post, here it is

Making
Plans about my future. Coincidentally in my previous and first Taking Stock Post, I wrote something similar about making plans about my future. Since losing my mother, something in me has shifted. I take time to think things through and when I make a decision, it is definitive because by then I had meditated, invested time and effort to explore all the possibilities to a decision.
Feeling 
Lost, hurt and broken. 
Thinking
A lot about my purpose in life and what my soul needs more off.
Cooking / Eating
Whatever I feel like at the time. I am basically comfort eating to numb what I am going through. I don't really have a sweet tooth but lately I have been gravitating a lot towards desserts like Lemon Cheese Cake and Doughnuts.
Drinking 
Lots of Flavoured Water. Another habit I was trying to curb but somehow it seems to creep in again and again especially when I am emotionally high. 
Reading
I am obsessed with African Literature especially Dudu-Busani Dube, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and Zakes Mda. I find that reading has been the only antidote to my pain and longing. Maybe I will bring back the Book Review series once things normalize again. What do you think about that? You can read my first book review here.
Listening
Lots of Gospel Music from Lesego, Joyous Celebration, Paul Kganyago and Takie Ndou; and every once in a while I jam to some Simmy and Sun-El. 
Following
My heart more. Though I try to balance how the heart feels and what the head is telling me, often the heart wins the battle because when I feel good or sad; my mood and everything I touch mimics that.
Bookmarking 
Restoration content. Anything that has to do with letting go and letting God have his way in my life. I am realizing with each passing day that I can only work on my relationship with God and only then will I find true happiness.
Wearing
Lots of items that have tortoise shell buttons. One seems to be following trends and that is odd of me. Hmm
Wanting
To travel more and create beautiful memories that I will be able to look back on years down the line and say I enjoyed my youthful years. 
Wishing
I could have a moment with my mom for that one last heart to heart conversation.
Looking
For peace. I feel like my spirit is wandering a lot and I long for some peace and quiet so that I can listen to God and my soul more.
Playing
Toon Blast. Yes I am still addicted to this game. I have made it to the top 100 of the Champions League in South Africa a number of times to date. Mostly I am in competition with myself because trying to keep up with everyone else can dampen your spirit as some players are really good.
Marveling
At how losing my mom has somehow brought me closer to my siblings and God. I now appreciate and value the relationships more. 
Grateful
For the wisdom to decipher who is for me or who is against me.


In closing, I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life and forge on. Is it easy, O HELL NO. There are days I am angry at God for having not prepared me enough to accept that I will no longer be able to hug and kiss my mom again. Even with that, I am grateful for the memories and her teachings because she has surely left me a better person than I would have been on my own.



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