Sindiso's Lifestyle Diary

It is in my adult years that I now realize how fortunate I have been to not have experienced the loss of loved ones in comparison to other families. I knew of death but never the effects of it; it was always around and near to me but never in my family. The first person I lost who was near and dear to me was my stepdad. I was 13 years old, away on a Tennis tournament when he passed. I remember calling home giving them updates about my tennis tournament and not once did my mother or anyone in my family tell me he was no more. The tournament directors and coaches knew yet still said nothing because my mother asked them not to so I have one less problem to worry about. It was my first time traveling anywhere far from home without family and you can imagine how anxious I must have been about it.

Though my dad was not well when I left for the championships, deep-down I knew that he may never recover. So how did finding out my dad was no more make me feel? It hurt but I somehow managed to find solace and comfort because my mom was still there. She never made us feel like we no longer have a father-figure in our lives. She continued being a mother and also assumed a role of a father when she needed to. My uncles and older brother closed the gap she could not.

Since then I experienced two other losses of people I knew before my mom.; and they were those of my maternal grandfather whom I had probably met once in my life; and that of my uncle's wife. All of these do not amount to the void of losing a mother and what that loss has done to me mentally.

Today as I write this post, it has been months of pain. A pain I cannot explain. A pain that a physical wound can never compare to. But I am on a journey to recovery. I can now reflect on the days and weeks that passed where I found myself becoming a shadow of someone I used to know. Someone whom I thought had it all together. Everything that used to matter to her started to not to anymore. Her passions fell off the wayside and she started to live in a bubble of isolation. I love cooking, baking, shopping, writing and watching movies, etc. I found myself doing less and less of that as the days went by. I am naturally not much of a talker especially when I am at home because it is a sanctuary and a place where I take moments to reflect and listen more; even with that, I became mute. Through this journey, I also got to see people for who they are. Trust and keep your faith in God and you will not be disappointed. I received empathy, love, and kindness from people I was not expecting and Thank You to those special people who will forever have a place in my heart. I also got to see who is for me and who is not.

I remember one Friday evening coming from work to go into slumber and woke up the Saturday afternoon just to take a shower, eat and go back to sleep. This cycle repeated itself unconsciously so for about 3 months. It took me having a conversation with a colleague about how I was missing my mother and I needed to have one last conversation with her that she said: " go have your moment with her and cry if you need to because you have not accepted that she is no more". As I got out of the car that night, I ran straight into the house; took a shower and cried with the water running so that those in the house would not hear me. After an hour or so, I got out, tucked myself in bed and woke up to soaking wet sheets. It was then that I had a heart to heart conversation with myself about life and what I thought I knew until then. I wrote a letter to my mother penning down everything that I felt I needed to tell her. From then onwards I started re-evaluating everything in my life. I took my phone and called someone I have been seeing twice a month who is just there to listen and not judge me. A Psychologist. This is someone I never thought I would need to see again. Yes, I have seen one before about a loss that never made it to this world.

Some call what I have been going through depression. Maybe they are right. I call it life and adjusting to change. I needed to go through the process because it was a foreign experience for me. Which leads me to this point today. It is okay to cry and ask for help. It is okay to not feel like you need to have it together all the time. Am I fully recovered? Oh hell NO. There are days I leave home kind'a-okay but get to the office and just feel like crying. I know not everyone will understand but it is a process one has to go through.

I have also been taking supplements that aid with mental and physical agility called Life Force by Vitalge. This product is 100% plant-based, whole herb botanical product containing revered ancient adaptogenic herbs from China, India, and Siberia. It has other benefits like anti-aging, cellular rejuvenation and health longevity. So far I am seeing an improvement on my mood and skin and I know it has something to do with this product and the other credit goes to the Psychologist. I have also been using a serum from the same company and it has been working wonders on my skin. Basically, I am loving them. I will be doing an in-depth review of the products I have been using in the coming weeks. For now, those who are interested can check them and some of the other Vitalge products on www.vitalge.com  I have a 15% discount code (LIFESTYLEDIARY15) which you can use on the site should you want to make a purchase. It is valid until the 31 December 2019.
In closing, I am going to be okay. Thanks for reading thus far.
Please leave your comments below on your experience with mental health.

Hello beautiful people. It has been almost a year since I graced this space. Those that follow me on my social media, know that life had dealt me a heavy hand. As I write this post, it is a little over 6 months since I lost my mother; my confidant, my pillar of strength, my best friend. As some of you can imagine, losing a loved one is a life-altering experience on its own. It makes you question a lot about life from purpose to even the belief that there is a higher power in this world; or if some of the things we go through in life are meant to shape us into better beings.

This was not my first loss but it was the hardest as I had known my mother all my life. She was my first experience of unconditional love, of what a woman and womanhood symbolized in society, she was my Wikipedia of life experiences. I could say so much more about her because she was that phenomenal. She was a woman of grace and poise; stature and faith. I just pray that I become more of if not even half the woman she was. On the very same note, thanks to everyone who sent me messages, checking how I was doing, asking if I needed someone to talk to, etc. I found strength in your encouraging words. Your words spoke life to my broken soul and they still do even to date.
Today's post is a mental and emotional checkpoint of where I am at in life. It is a step in me finding my old self again. I do however hope that you will enjoy it as much as my previous posts. It is going to be a serious journey of rediscovering who I am and what I am made off, please be patient with me. So, now onto the post. I guess my interests, likes or obsessions are still the same if not better. At least there are still some consistencies in some parts of my life;. In case you want to read the first Taking Stock Post, here it is. 

In closing, I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life and forge on. Is it easy, O HELL NO. There are days I am angry at God for having not prepared me enough to accept that I will no longer be able to hug and kiss my mom again. Even with that, I am grateful for the memories and her teachings because she has surely left me a better person than I would have been on my own.